2.21.2009

Brainish

I just typed up a long entry here about my confusion and postulation about how I seem to have something along the lines of adult ADHD. I don't; I realized at the end of my verbose description that I simply have no focus. Nothing to focus my efforts, intellect, or emotions on.
Here's the summary of what I erased.

Symptoms:

1.) I'm in the middle of doing something and a thought pops into my head (something else I need to do, or a fact I want to look up, etc) and almost immediately I pause my current task and do the new one (coming back to the original at some point later).
That might not seem crazy, but think of some things you might be doing & wouldn't otherwise just interrupt...
I remember reading once that Leonardo da Vinci had a similar condition; it led to a number of his artworks never seeing completion.

2.) Impulsiveness. Like #1, but also just doing things on instinct, or with complete disregard for consequences.

C.) Thinking of 50 million things at once, actively, and planning them all out. Or wanting to do 50 millions things at once.
Well, I'm certainly keeping my brainpower functioning at a high level. I just wish it would shut off sometimes, cause it leads to...

IV.) Can't fall asleep except after lying for a good hour, sometimes more, even when I'm very tired.
The average time for someone to fall asleep is 7 minutes. Well, I balance the average for everyone who's knocked out as soon as they hit the pillow!

I don't have a problem with concentration, and I'm not easily distracted. I've just seem to become very impulsive combined with a plethora of thoughts at all times.
And the only way I can avoid these is by diving deep into something and not surfacing or paying any attention to the outside world. That's why creating art from midnight to 4am is perfect -- everyone's asleep and I'm busy & focused.


Please could you stay awhile to share my grief / For it's such a lovely day to have to always feel this way / And the time / That I will suffer less / Is when / I never have to wake. [Portishead, Wandering Star]

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